chapter 4 (still)
Nov. 8th, 2002 10:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smackenzieIn the morning things were different, mostly because Sam woke up sometime between his coffee and his late-ish shower (on days when he didn't have to work he got off to a late start) and since he didn't have anything particular to do, when his mind started working it went back over the night before. The Red Hat, the first kiss, the second kiss, and the third kiss. Mostly the first kiss, and the planned real date on Sunday.
The thought of a real date, with a real guy, with more kissing from said guy, made Sam panic, which was stupid. Well, panicking about kissing a guy was stupid. He liked guys. He knew that. There had occasionally been guys he wanted to kiss, although he'd never let on to them that he did. Panicking about a date was stupid, since he'd been on enough of them in his life.
But panicking about going on a date with a guy, regardless of how he might feel about the guy, was a whole other thing. He wasn't sure why, but it was.
Sam paced his apartment, which didn't take long since it was a small place, and tried to work out why he was nervous about going out with a guy as opposed to going out with a girl, and finally he gave up and called his cousin Spencer. She wasn't home, of course, so he left a spastic rambling message that went something like "I have a date with Aurelian on Sunday and I'm freaking out, and yes, that means the coffee date went well, and unless I really wig I'll be home practicing so call me when you get back."
And then he took a deep breath, put on some clothes, unpacked his sax and put it together, did some warmup exercises, and practiced for a couple of hours. Playing, like jerking off, always relaxed him.
At three he went out to buy food, and when he came home he remembered he'd forgotten to call his mom back. She wasn't home either. His message on her machine was much less spastic than the one he left on Spencer's machine - "hi mom, everything's good, I'll call you later." He wasn't sure how to break it to her that he had a date with a man. He'd never told her he was bi.
That thought made him panic again, although he realized it wasn't worth it to freak out about telling his mom he was bi when there was a chance it wouldn't work out with Aurelian, and in three months Sam would be chasing some girl again.
It was too cold to go out for a walk, which he wanted to do now, because he was pacing again and there just wasn't that much room in the apartment. It had two rooms (the front room and the bedroom), a little galley kitchen, and a bathroom. You could pace the entire thing in five minutes, and that included both rooms and the kitchen, with a stop to get something to drink.
Sam turned on the radio - there was one good 24-hour jazz station in Eden, and he thought they played a lot of crappy mainstream stuff but it was the only 24-hour jazz station he could pick up - and forced himself to sit down and be rational.
It was definitely the fact that Aurelian was a guy that was wigging him out, and he finally decided that it was because the whole reciprocal attraction to guys thing was completely new to him. Jeez, he'd only just started thinking of himself as bi a couple of years ago, and he could count the number of people who knew that about him on one hand. Spencer. Teddy. Spencer's girlfriend Penny, because Spencer couldn't keep a secret. Sam thought his Uncle Kenny might know too, because Spencer couldn't keep a secret, and because he'd figured out Spencer was a lesbian before she came out to him.
So. First date? Not the issue. More kissing on the sidewalk? Possibly an issue. Not the kissing, more the sidewalk. Doing it with a man? That was the issue.
Dammit. He needed Spencer to call him back. She'd verbally whack him about the head and shoulders and smack some sense into him.
And in the meantime he'd try to forget how it felt when Aurelian kissed him, and how absolutely hard it made him to think of Aurelian touching him.
Sam had taken another shower and had a nice pudding pull and eating something by the time Spencer got home and got his message and called back.
"So what's this?" she said. "Your coffee date was good?"
"What did I say on your machine?" Sam asked because he honestly couldn't remember. He'd been kind of panicked.
"You had a date and it went well and you have another date on Sunday and you're wigging out. Why are you wigging out?"
"He kissed me."
"No shit!" Sam could practically hear her shit-eating grin. "Good for him!"
"Twice."
"Damn, Sammy. You slut." Now he could hear the shit-eating grin. Spencer grinned very loudly.
"Funny," he said sarcastically. "I don't know why I'm freaking out, I thought you could smack some sense into me."
"You're asking me for advice? Are you ok? Really, Sam, don't panic. It's just a date. Either it'll suck and you won't go out again, or it'll be good and you will. And it's not like you're surprised you like a guy. So what's the issue?"
"I don't know!"
"You're really the poster boy for calm and collected, aren't you. Look, Penny's got some work thing tonight that I don't wanna go to, so come over for dinner and we'll have pizza or something and I'll tell you you're being a dork and not to worry about it. And you can tell me about the coffee date and the kiss." She was still grinning, he could tell.
"It wasn't a date, Spence."
"There was kissing afterward, Sammy. Come over at seven-thirty. That gives you an hour and a half to calm you ass down, ok? I'll even give you handy helpful dating tips, so you make it through the first date ok and on to the second one with no problems."
"Ok."
"Good. Oh, and bring some Coke, will you? I'm all out."
"How about Pepsi?"
"Too sweet."
"Mountain Dew?"
"Ditto. Stop at a corner store, pick up a liter of Coke for me and a liter of Pepsi for yourself, and get your cute little ass over here before eight, got it?"
"Ok, ok." Sometimes Spencer could be a hardass, but that was oddly enough one of the things Sam liked about her. He needed someone to tell him what was what sometimes, and she was certainly a font of information about the gay dating scene.
Spencer had come out as a lesbian in high school and had gone on to be fairly vocal about not only her sexual preferences but her politics regarding them. She had no problem telling people "Oh, I kiss girls." That was one of the main reasons Sam went to her first when he realized he was interested in boys as well as girls, which just confused him, since in his limited experience you liked one or the other, but not both. Luckily he had Spencer to set him straight, otherwise he would have been miserable.
"Everybody loves you when you're bi, Sammy," she'd said, grinning, and he'd agreed and adjusted.
He did this a lot, he realized - panicked about something for no real reason, then determined that there was nothing to panic about, and he shouldn't have done it in the first place. He'd say no to something ten times, then get badgered into doing it anyway, and then actually like it. Part of him thought this was going to be the same thing.
At seven-thirty he was at Spencer's apartment with two liters of Coke and a mild case of frostbite, because the bottles were cold and he'd left his gloves at home. Sometimes he really was a dork.
They ordered sausage and onion pizza and sat on the floor and talked about Aurelian and how Sam felt about kissing him and going out with him and (possibly) eventually sleeping with him, because that was important to Spencer, whether or not you could see yourself sleeping with the person.
"So?" she said around a piece of pizza. "Sex or not? Do you see it?"
"With him?" Sam almost choked on his Coke. (If that was all Spencer had to drink, he'd drink it, but he really liked Pepsi better.) "Like, on Sunday?"
"If it works out that way, sure." She waggled her eyebrows. "Whenever. I mean, how interested are you in this guy?"
"Really. Very. You know what I mean."
"So you can see yourselves humping like bunnies." Spencer's tone was so deadpan and so matter-of-fact that Sam had to laugh at her. She giggled. "I take it that's a yes."
"Jeez, Spence, you really are gonna lay it all out."
"So to speak. Hey, if the second date goes as well as the first date I imagine someone's gonna get laid somewhere."
"This is gonna sound stupid, but last night I just wanted to make out on the couch. Is that dumb? He's a really good kisser. Not just for a guy, I mean he's a better kisser than, like, pretty much most of the girls I've ever kissed. It's weird kissing a guy, though. It's like kissing yourself."
"I wouldn't know." She shrugged and picked onions off the last slice of pizza. "Do you feel better about the whole thing? Not just the date, but the part about you being interested in a boy? It's ok, you know, we had that talk about wanting to fuck everyone, remember?" Now she was grinning again.
"Yeah, I remember. Maybe I didn't adjust like I thought I did. But I think this is it - he's fucking gorgeous, Spencer, and he's really cool, and he's fun to talk to, and did I mention how hot he looks in suspenders?" She blinked, then giggled some more, then broke into outright laughter.
"Suspenders?" she howled. "He wears suspenders? Jesus Christ, Sammy, you're in love with a banker!"
"He's not a banker!" Sam protested. "He's a musician too. He plays the piano. He composes. You'd have to see him, ok? He just... wears them well. And I'm not in love with him." Although as he said it he thought it sounded false, and wondered if Spencer could tell too.
"Uh-huh. Which is why you're sitting on my floor panicking because he kissed you." She leaned back on her elbows and regarded Sam thoughtfully. "Is that it? You're afraid you're in love with him?"
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Maybe isn't an answer, Sam. You'll figure that out, though, if that's how you feel or not. Sometimes it smacks you upside the head right away, and sometimes it doesn't. You think he feels the same way?"
"He kissed me, I'd say yeah. He asked me out." He pulled the cheese off the now onion-less last piece of pizza, wadded it up, and stuck it in his mouth. Spencer watched with amusement. "I think I'm ok about it now. I mean, I'm nervous about the date, because I wanna see him again after it, but I'm not wigged that he's a guy. You know?"
"I know." She pushed her elbows out and lay down on the floor. "I think it'll be fine. You'll wow him with the Harlow charm and in a month you'll be happily nested together. And then you'll have to tell your mom." She lifted her head so Sam could see the smirk on her face. "I wanna be a fly on the wall for that conversation."
"Don't remind me," Sam groaned. "She called yesterday and asked how I was. 'Hi mom, I'm fine, I got a date with a guy on Sunday....' Oh, god, I so don't want to have that talk."
"One thing at a time, ok? Do the date first. I wanna know all the sticky details, though. I mean, come on, Sam, you're joining the club! Of course I'm all excited. And I said you'd be great, right? Maybe Aurelian can help you tell your mom about him."
"Fuck no!" That just cracked Spencer up, and Sam had to wait fully ten minutes for her to stop rolling around on the floor laughing.
"Ok, ok," she finally conceded, gasping for breath, "no more mention of Mom. You can jump off that bridge when you come to it."
"Thank you."
words: 2,114
total words: 19,578›
The thought of a real date, with a real guy, with more kissing from said guy, made Sam panic, which was stupid. Well, panicking about kissing a guy was stupid. He liked guys. He knew that. There had occasionally been guys he wanted to kiss, although he'd never let on to them that he did. Panicking about a date was stupid, since he'd been on enough of them in his life.
But panicking about going on a date with a guy, regardless of how he might feel about the guy, was a whole other thing. He wasn't sure why, but it was.
Sam paced his apartment, which didn't take long since it was a small place, and tried to work out why he was nervous about going out with a guy as opposed to going out with a girl, and finally he gave up and called his cousin Spencer. She wasn't home, of course, so he left a spastic rambling message that went something like "I have a date with Aurelian on Sunday and I'm freaking out, and yes, that means the coffee date went well, and unless I really wig I'll be home practicing so call me when you get back."
And then he took a deep breath, put on some clothes, unpacked his sax and put it together, did some warmup exercises, and practiced for a couple of hours. Playing, like jerking off, always relaxed him.
At three he went out to buy food, and when he came home he remembered he'd forgotten to call his mom back. She wasn't home either. His message on her machine was much less spastic than the one he left on Spencer's machine - "hi mom, everything's good, I'll call you later." He wasn't sure how to break it to her that he had a date with a man. He'd never told her he was bi.
That thought made him panic again, although he realized it wasn't worth it to freak out about telling his mom he was bi when there was a chance it wouldn't work out with Aurelian, and in three months Sam would be chasing some girl again.
It was too cold to go out for a walk, which he wanted to do now, because he was pacing again and there just wasn't that much room in the apartment. It had two rooms (the front room and the bedroom), a little galley kitchen, and a bathroom. You could pace the entire thing in five minutes, and that included both rooms and the kitchen, with a stop to get something to drink.
Sam turned on the radio - there was one good 24-hour jazz station in Eden, and he thought they played a lot of crappy mainstream stuff but it was the only 24-hour jazz station he could pick up - and forced himself to sit down and be rational.
It was definitely the fact that Aurelian was a guy that was wigging him out, and he finally decided that it was because the whole reciprocal attraction to guys thing was completely new to him. Jeez, he'd only just started thinking of himself as bi a couple of years ago, and he could count the number of people who knew that about him on one hand. Spencer. Teddy. Spencer's girlfriend Penny, because Spencer couldn't keep a secret. Sam thought his Uncle Kenny might know too, because Spencer couldn't keep a secret, and because he'd figured out Spencer was a lesbian before she came out to him.
So. First date? Not the issue. More kissing on the sidewalk? Possibly an issue. Not the kissing, more the sidewalk. Doing it with a man? That was the issue.
Dammit. He needed Spencer to call him back. She'd verbally whack him about the head and shoulders and smack some sense into him.
And in the meantime he'd try to forget how it felt when Aurelian kissed him, and how absolutely hard it made him to think of Aurelian touching him.
Sam had taken another shower and had a nice pudding pull and eating something by the time Spencer got home and got his message and called back.
"So what's this?" she said. "Your coffee date was good?"
"What did I say on your machine?" Sam asked because he honestly couldn't remember. He'd been kind of panicked.
"You had a date and it went well and you have another date on Sunday and you're wigging out. Why are you wigging out?"
"He kissed me."
"No shit!" Sam could practically hear her shit-eating grin. "Good for him!"
"Twice."
"Damn, Sammy. You slut." Now he could hear the shit-eating grin. Spencer grinned very loudly.
"Funny," he said sarcastically. "I don't know why I'm freaking out, I thought you could smack some sense into me."
"You're asking me for advice? Are you ok? Really, Sam, don't panic. It's just a date. Either it'll suck and you won't go out again, or it'll be good and you will. And it's not like you're surprised you like a guy. So what's the issue?"
"I don't know!"
"You're really the poster boy for calm and collected, aren't you. Look, Penny's got some work thing tonight that I don't wanna go to, so come over for dinner and we'll have pizza or something and I'll tell you you're being a dork and not to worry about it. And you can tell me about the coffee date and the kiss." She was still grinning, he could tell.
"It wasn't a date, Spence."
"There was kissing afterward, Sammy. Come over at seven-thirty. That gives you an hour and a half to calm you ass down, ok? I'll even give you handy helpful dating tips, so you make it through the first date ok and on to the second one with no problems."
"Ok."
"Good. Oh, and bring some Coke, will you? I'm all out."
"How about Pepsi?"
"Too sweet."
"Mountain Dew?"
"Ditto. Stop at a corner store, pick up a liter of Coke for me and a liter of Pepsi for yourself, and get your cute little ass over here before eight, got it?"
"Ok, ok." Sometimes Spencer could be a hardass, but that was oddly enough one of the things Sam liked about her. He needed someone to tell him what was what sometimes, and she was certainly a font of information about the gay dating scene.
Spencer had come out as a lesbian in high school and had gone on to be fairly vocal about not only her sexual preferences but her politics regarding them. She had no problem telling people "Oh, I kiss girls." That was one of the main reasons Sam went to her first when he realized he was interested in boys as well as girls, which just confused him, since in his limited experience you liked one or the other, but not both. Luckily he had Spencer to set him straight, otherwise he would have been miserable.
"Everybody loves you when you're bi, Sammy," she'd said, grinning, and he'd agreed and adjusted.
He did this a lot, he realized - panicked about something for no real reason, then determined that there was nothing to panic about, and he shouldn't have done it in the first place. He'd say no to something ten times, then get badgered into doing it anyway, and then actually like it. Part of him thought this was going to be the same thing.
At seven-thirty he was at Spencer's apartment with two liters of Coke and a mild case of frostbite, because the bottles were cold and he'd left his gloves at home. Sometimes he really was a dork.
They ordered sausage and onion pizza and sat on the floor and talked about Aurelian and how Sam felt about kissing him and going out with him and (possibly) eventually sleeping with him, because that was important to Spencer, whether or not you could see yourself sleeping with the person.
"So?" she said around a piece of pizza. "Sex or not? Do you see it?"
"With him?" Sam almost choked on his Coke. (If that was all Spencer had to drink, he'd drink it, but he really liked Pepsi better.) "Like, on Sunday?"
"If it works out that way, sure." She waggled her eyebrows. "Whenever. I mean, how interested are you in this guy?"
"Really. Very. You know what I mean."
"So you can see yourselves humping like bunnies." Spencer's tone was so deadpan and so matter-of-fact that Sam had to laugh at her. She giggled. "I take it that's a yes."
"Jeez, Spence, you really are gonna lay it all out."
"So to speak. Hey, if the second date goes as well as the first date I imagine someone's gonna get laid somewhere."
"This is gonna sound stupid, but last night I just wanted to make out on the couch. Is that dumb? He's a really good kisser. Not just for a guy, I mean he's a better kisser than, like, pretty much most of the girls I've ever kissed. It's weird kissing a guy, though. It's like kissing yourself."
"I wouldn't know." She shrugged and picked onions off the last slice of pizza. "Do you feel better about the whole thing? Not just the date, but the part about you being interested in a boy? It's ok, you know, we had that talk about wanting to fuck everyone, remember?" Now she was grinning again.
"Yeah, I remember. Maybe I didn't adjust like I thought I did. But I think this is it - he's fucking gorgeous, Spencer, and he's really cool, and he's fun to talk to, and did I mention how hot he looks in suspenders?" She blinked, then giggled some more, then broke into outright laughter.
"Suspenders?" she howled. "He wears suspenders? Jesus Christ, Sammy, you're in love with a banker!"
"He's not a banker!" Sam protested. "He's a musician too. He plays the piano. He composes. You'd have to see him, ok? He just... wears them well. And I'm not in love with him." Although as he said it he thought it sounded false, and wondered if Spencer could tell too.
"Uh-huh. Which is why you're sitting on my floor panicking because he kissed you." She leaned back on her elbows and regarded Sam thoughtfully. "Is that it? You're afraid you're in love with him?"
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Maybe isn't an answer, Sam. You'll figure that out, though, if that's how you feel or not. Sometimes it smacks you upside the head right away, and sometimes it doesn't. You think he feels the same way?"
"He kissed me, I'd say yeah. He asked me out." He pulled the cheese off the now onion-less last piece of pizza, wadded it up, and stuck it in his mouth. Spencer watched with amusement. "I think I'm ok about it now. I mean, I'm nervous about the date, because I wanna see him again after it, but I'm not wigged that he's a guy. You know?"
"I know." She pushed her elbows out and lay down on the floor. "I think it'll be fine. You'll wow him with the Harlow charm and in a month you'll be happily nested together. And then you'll have to tell your mom." She lifted her head so Sam could see the smirk on her face. "I wanna be a fly on the wall for that conversation."
"Don't remind me," Sam groaned. "She called yesterday and asked how I was. 'Hi mom, I'm fine, I got a date with a guy on Sunday....' Oh, god, I so don't want to have that talk."
"One thing at a time, ok? Do the date first. I wanna know all the sticky details, though. I mean, come on, Sam, you're joining the club! Of course I'm all excited. And I said you'd be great, right? Maybe Aurelian can help you tell your mom about him."
"Fuck no!" That just cracked Spencer up, and Sam had to wait fully ten minutes for her to stop rolling around on the floor laughing.
"Ok, ok," she finally conceded, gasping for breath, "no more mention of Mom. You can jump off that bridge when you come to it."
"Thank you."
words: 2,114
total words: 19,578›
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Date: 2002-11-09 12:38 pm (UTC)[*dusts of copy-editing hat* am ammused that I can say this because how often does this happen this way around? - and eating something by the time Spencer got home - eaten something, or was eating something?]
*smooches*. You, also, rock.