twenty-seven (jensen)
Nov. 28th, 2010 05:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smackenzie He should have been kept awake by worry, but Jared's house was home to him now, as much as his own apartment was, and he fell asleep almost instantly and for the first time in two weeks, he slept hard and well.
The dogs jumping off the bed and running to the front door barking when Jared came home woke him up, and he rolled off the bed and met Jared at the bedroom door, Jared grabbed him in a crushing hug and then kissed him so hard he thought he’d stop breathing.
“You’re here,” he said, after they finally pulled apart.
“Yeah,” Jensen said. “You said I could.”
“Well, yeah, but I know you get kind of weird about being in my house without me, so I wasn’t sure you’d actually be here. It’s so good to see you. It kind of feels like you just left.”
“Not to me.”
Jared pulled him back towards the bed and sat on the edge. “Tell me all about it,” he said. “How were the shows? Are you officially part of the band now? Was touring really that horrible?”
“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” Jensen kind of nudged Jared out of the way and lay down. He was still really tired, and now that Jared was here, he was getting nervous about what to say. “I just... want to lie down next to you. Tell me what I missed.”
So Jared kicked off his shoes and stretched out behind Jensen, spooning up against his back, his arm around Jensen’s chest, and told him about work and customers and how Tom fell off a ladder trying to fix his garage roof and Beth had gotten a show at some photography gallery and Misha was in Tibet and had posted the most gorgeous mountain landscape pictures Jared had ever seen – it took Jensen a few minutes to remember who exactly Misha was, and how Jared knew him – and his sister had started dating some guy from California and this woman came into the garage a couple days ago because her car was making a weird noise....
“And it turned out someone had stolen all her wheel covers except one, and that was held on by just one lugnut. Jim looked at it, looked at her, pointed to the one lugnut holding her tire on, and said ‘You’re lucky you didn’t get killed.’ And she just turned white. It was pretty freaky. So the moral of the story is ‘Make sure you have all your wheel covers before you get in the car.’”
“Shit,” Jensen said. “What kind of car was it?”
“A Caddy. I didn’t think the wheel covers were worth anything, but I guess they are.”
“Guess you never know.”
“Guess not.” Jared nuzzled his shoulder. “It’s so good to have you back.” His teeth closed gently on Jensen’s earlobe and tugged, and he hooked a leg over Jensen’s knees. “You wanna fool around before dinner?” Jensen could practically hear Jared’s grin. “Or we could eat now. I’m kinda hungry.”
Jensen did not state the obvious, opting instead for “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“What?” It sounded as if Jared had picked up on the seriousness of Jensen’s tone.
“I fucked up.”
“What did you do?”
“I. Uh. There was a girl, a few nights ago – I stayed at the bar after the show and met her and some of her friends. They kept buying me drinks. She was.... I missed you so much, I was so....” Jared had gone very still at his back. “We... we went into – I had to pee, I think, and she came with me because I was so trashed – she went down on me. And I let her.”
There was silence. Jensen could hear the dogs somewhere in the house, and then Sadie padded into the bedroom and sat on the floor and barked, just once, at the boys.
“Sadie,” Jared said. “Go away.”
“Jared?”
“You let a groupie blow you.” It wasn’t quite a question.
“She was just a local fan. She was nice. I wanted her to be you so fucking badly – I closed my eyes and tried to pretend she was, that her mouth was your mouth, and I thought if I pretended hard enough, I’d look down and you’d be there.”
“But I was here,” Jared said quietly.
“I know. I was so, so wrong. I’m not that guy, Jared, I’m not the guy who goes on tour and cheats on his boyfriend. I’m not the guy who cheats on his boyfriend at all. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Was she better than me?”
“She wasn’t you, so no.”
“Did you fuck her?”
“Jesus, no.”
“I don’t know what to say to you.”
“I can leave.” He tried to ease out from under Jared’s arm, but Jared apparently wasn’t quite ready to let him go. “Jared – do you want me to stay here?”
“I don’t know. I don’t – you missed me so much you let some total stranger suck you off. I don’t get that. If you missed me, why didn’t you just call me? I could think of some really filthy things to say to you and you could get yourself off.”
“That just made it worse.” Jensen sighed. “I know I fucked up. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself. I was unbearable the last couple days – ask Chris. I’m really, really sorry, Jared, I really am. I’ll go. I’ll call a cab or something.” And this time, when he tried to disentangle himself and slide off the bed, Jared let him go.
Jensen collected his stuff and put on his shoes and went outside to call a cab. He waited at the end of the driveway, and after a few minutes Jared opened the front door and called his name.
“I just have to think about this,” he added. “Just... give me some time. Ok?”
Are you saying it’s not over? Jensen wanted to ask. You’re not kicking me to the curb? He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but he was oddly glad this what was he was getting. He hadn’t quite thought Jared would break up with him. but there was no way to know for sure. This sounded like Jared needed some space, but not permanently. It was something.
So Jensen went home, explained things very briefly to Chris – “I told him, I think he wants some space to think about it, I don’t think we’re breaking up” – and tried to go on with his life. He went to work, talked to Aly and Chris and Gus about staying with the band permanently, got a heads-up from Seth about another potential studio gig, evaded all coffeeshop gossip about himself and his boyfriend, was kind of tricked into giving Danneel an abbreviated version of events (she was sympathetic, even though she did call him a dumbass), practiced making coffee art, played his guitar, tried and failed to write any music. He called Jared a few times but every time, it went to voicemail. He moped around. He was miserable.
A couple nights after Jensen came clean to Jared about the girl, Chris and Gus took him to Aly’s bar with the express intent of trying to get him to forget about Jared for at least one night, and to that end they got him blind drunk and Chris had to carry him home. But it didn’t help, and he was an unhappy, maudlin drunk. He was pretty sure, but not 100% certain, that he cried on Chris’s shoulder, and Chris, because he was a good friend and knew Jensen would be mortified, never mentioned it.
And still, he called Jared every couple of days, apologizing on voicemail and asking Jared to please just talk to him.
“That’s not giving him space to think things through,” Danneel pointed out. Jensen elected to ignore her.
One afternoon he was almost run over by a skateboarder on his way into the coffeeshop – the kid was a blur of red hair and white t-shirt, and his “Sorry, man!” trailed behind him like a banner as he disappeared down the sidewalk – and walked in to find Jared had actually called the place and left him a message.
“Did you guys break up?” Genevieve asked.
“Not yet,” he told her, ignoring the rest of her questions and concerns and concentrating determinedly on his job.
He was getting more napkins and stirrers from the back room when Alona stuck her head in the door and told him a really tall, really cute guy was looking for him. She’d apparently never met Jared and didn’t know what he looked like.
So Jensen handed over the restocking, took a deep internal breath, and went to talk to his hopefully-still-boyfriend.
“Why’d you come here?” was the first thing he asked, though, which was not what he’d intended.
“Didn’t I tell you I was taking an anthropology class at Belmont?” Jared answered.
“That’s today?”
“Yeah. That’s today. Can we talk?”
Jensen glanced at Alona, who was looking at him expectantly.
“Well?” she said, waving at him like she was brushing dust out of the air. “Go talk.”
They sat at a corner table. Jared had gotten a coffee, Jensen noted.
“You suck,” Jared said. Sucking’s what got us into this mess, Jensen thought. “Just to get that out there. But not enough for me to want to break up with you.” Jensen waited. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. “But if you’re officially part of the band now, how do I know you won’t do it again? I can’t come on tour just to keep you from getting so lonely you start fucking groupies again.”
Jensen winced. But he thought it almost was a fair shot. “So I won’t go on tour with them.”
“At all?”
“At all.”
“Even if it hurts your career?”
“Even if it hurts my career. I’m not leaving the band. But I think you’re more important.”
“Are you sure?”
“Am I sure? Jesus, Jared, what do you want me to say? If going away for almost three weeks made me do what I did, I just won’t go away for that long again.”
“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “Sandy said I shouldn’t apologize, but I kind of feel like I should.” He sipped his coffee. “I told her what happened, and I asked her what I should do, and she said you were good for me and I shouldn’t let you go.” He shrugged. “It was a douchebaggy thing to do, cheat on me and then say it was because I wasn’t there. But it’s something you can fix. Y’know? And I can’t just let you go.”
Alona tip-toed up to the table and whispered “You can go if you want” to Jensen. “If you want to take off early. Be with your boyfriend.” She smiled and mouthed He’s really cute, as if in encouragement.
As if Jensen needed encouragement.
“Thanks,” he said.
“Genevieve thinks so too.” She winked at Jared and headed back to the counter.
“Let’s go,” Jared said. “I know you hate yourself, but I don’t hate you. I miss you. Just don’t fuck up like that again.”
“I promise,” Jensen said. He stood up. Jared stood up. Jensen walked around the table, took Jared’s face in his hands, and kissed him. Someone applauded. He felt Jared grin under his lips.
“Let’s go home,” Jared murmured. “The dogs miss you too. I can’t stand Sadie’s sad puppyface any longer.”
“I’m closer.”
Jensen got his stuff from the staff room and clocked out, and they went back to his place, which was home as long as Jared was with him.
words: 1922
total words: 53,418
The dogs jumping off the bed and running to the front door barking when Jared came home woke him up, and he rolled off the bed and met Jared at the bedroom door, Jared grabbed him in a crushing hug and then kissed him so hard he thought he’d stop breathing.
“You’re here,” he said, after they finally pulled apart.
“Yeah,” Jensen said. “You said I could.”
“Well, yeah, but I know you get kind of weird about being in my house without me, so I wasn’t sure you’d actually be here. It’s so good to see you. It kind of feels like you just left.”
“Not to me.”
Jared pulled him back towards the bed and sat on the edge. “Tell me all about it,” he said. “How were the shows? Are you officially part of the band now? Was touring really that horrible?”
“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” Jensen kind of nudged Jared out of the way and lay down. He was still really tired, and now that Jared was here, he was getting nervous about what to say. “I just... want to lie down next to you. Tell me what I missed.”
So Jared kicked off his shoes and stretched out behind Jensen, spooning up against his back, his arm around Jensen’s chest, and told him about work and customers and how Tom fell off a ladder trying to fix his garage roof and Beth had gotten a show at some photography gallery and Misha was in Tibet and had posted the most gorgeous mountain landscape pictures Jared had ever seen – it took Jensen a few minutes to remember who exactly Misha was, and how Jared knew him – and his sister had started dating some guy from California and this woman came into the garage a couple days ago because her car was making a weird noise....
“And it turned out someone had stolen all her wheel covers except one, and that was held on by just one lugnut. Jim looked at it, looked at her, pointed to the one lugnut holding her tire on, and said ‘You’re lucky you didn’t get killed.’ And she just turned white. It was pretty freaky. So the moral of the story is ‘Make sure you have all your wheel covers before you get in the car.’”
“Shit,” Jensen said. “What kind of car was it?”
“A Caddy. I didn’t think the wheel covers were worth anything, but I guess they are.”
“Guess you never know.”
“Guess not.” Jared nuzzled his shoulder. “It’s so good to have you back.” His teeth closed gently on Jensen’s earlobe and tugged, and he hooked a leg over Jensen’s knees. “You wanna fool around before dinner?” Jensen could practically hear Jared’s grin. “Or we could eat now. I’m kinda hungry.”
Jensen did not state the obvious, opting instead for “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“What?” It sounded as if Jared had picked up on the seriousness of Jensen’s tone.
“I fucked up.”
“What did you do?”
“I. Uh. There was a girl, a few nights ago – I stayed at the bar after the show and met her and some of her friends. They kept buying me drinks. She was.... I missed you so much, I was so....” Jared had gone very still at his back. “We... we went into – I had to pee, I think, and she came with me because I was so trashed – she went down on me. And I let her.”
There was silence. Jensen could hear the dogs somewhere in the house, and then Sadie padded into the bedroom and sat on the floor and barked, just once, at the boys.
“Sadie,” Jared said. “Go away.”
“Jared?”
“You let a groupie blow you.” It wasn’t quite a question.
“She was just a local fan. She was nice. I wanted her to be you so fucking badly – I closed my eyes and tried to pretend she was, that her mouth was your mouth, and I thought if I pretended hard enough, I’d look down and you’d be there.”
“But I was here,” Jared said quietly.
“I know. I was so, so wrong. I’m not that guy, Jared, I’m not the guy who goes on tour and cheats on his boyfriend. I’m not the guy who cheats on his boyfriend at all. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Was she better than me?”
“She wasn’t you, so no.”
“Did you fuck her?”
“Jesus, no.”
“I don’t know what to say to you.”
“I can leave.” He tried to ease out from under Jared’s arm, but Jared apparently wasn’t quite ready to let him go. “Jared – do you want me to stay here?”
“I don’t know. I don’t – you missed me so much you let some total stranger suck you off. I don’t get that. If you missed me, why didn’t you just call me? I could think of some really filthy things to say to you and you could get yourself off.”
“That just made it worse.” Jensen sighed. “I know I fucked up. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself. I was unbearable the last couple days – ask Chris. I’m really, really sorry, Jared, I really am. I’ll go. I’ll call a cab or something.” And this time, when he tried to disentangle himself and slide off the bed, Jared let him go.
Jensen collected his stuff and put on his shoes and went outside to call a cab. He waited at the end of the driveway, and after a few minutes Jared opened the front door and called his name.
“I just have to think about this,” he added. “Just... give me some time. Ok?”
Are you saying it’s not over? Jensen wanted to ask. You’re not kicking me to the curb? He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but he was oddly glad this what was he was getting. He hadn’t quite thought Jared would break up with him. but there was no way to know for sure. This sounded like Jared needed some space, but not permanently. It was something.
So Jensen went home, explained things very briefly to Chris – “I told him, I think he wants some space to think about it, I don’t think we’re breaking up” – and tried to go on with his life. He went to work, talked to Aly and Chris and Gus about staying with the band permanently, got a heads-up from Seth about another potential studio gig, evaded all coffeeshop gossip about himself and his boyfriend, was kind of tricked into giving Danneel an abbreviated version of events (she was sympathetic, even though she did call him a dumbass), practiced making coffee art, played his guitar, tried and failed to write any music. He called Jared a few times but every time, it went to voicemail. He moped around. He was miserable.
A couple nights after Jensen came clean to Jared about the girl, Chris and Gus took him to Aly’s bar with the express intent of trying to get him to forget about Jared for at least one night, and to that end they got him blind drunk and Chris had to carry him home. But it didn’t help, and he was an unhappy, maudlin drunk. He was pretty sure, but not 100% certain, that he cried on Chris’s shoulder, and Chris, because he was a good friend and knew Jensen would be mortified, never mentioned it.
And still, he called Jared every couple of days, apologizing on voicemail and asking Jared to please just talk to him.
“That’s not giving him space to think things through,” Danneel pointed out. Jensen elected to ignore her.
One afternoon he was almost run over by a skateboarder on his way into the coffeeshop – the kid was a blur of red hair and white t-shirt, and his “Sorry, man!” trailed behind him like a banner as he disappeared down the sidewalk – and walked in to find Jared had actually called the place and left him a message.
“Did you guys break up?” Genevieve asked.
“Not yet,” he told her, ignoring the rest of her questions and concerns and concentrating determinedly on his job.
He was getting more napkins and stirrers from the back room when Alona stuck her head in the door and told him a really tall, really cute guy was looking for him. She’d apparently never met Jared and didn’t know what he looked like.
So Jensen handed over the restocking, took a deep internal breath, and went to talk to his hopefully-still-boyfriend.
“Why’d you come here?” was the first thing he asked, though, which was not what he’d intended.
“Didn’t I tell you I was taking an anthropology class at Belmont?” Jared answered.
“That’s today?”
“Yeah. That’s today. Can we talk?”
Jensen glanced at Alona, who was looking at him expectantly.
“Well?” she said, waving at him like she was brushing dust out of the air. “Go talk.”
They sat at a corner table. Jared had gotten a coffee, Jensen noted.
“You suck,” Jared said. Sucking’s what got us into this mess, Jensen thought. “Just to get that out there. But not enough for me to want to break up with you.” Jensen waited. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. “But if you’re officially part of the band now, how do I know you won’t do it again? I can’t come on tour just to keep you from getting so lonely you start fucking groupies again.”
Jensen winced. But he thought it almost was a fair shot. “So I won’t go on tour with them.”
“At all?”
“At all.”
“Even if it hurts your career?”
“Even if it hurts my career. I’m not leaving the band. But I think you’re more important.”
“Are you sure?”
“Am I sure? Jesus, Jared, what do you want me to say? If going away for almost three weeks made me do what I did, I just won’t go away for that long again.”
“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “Sandy said I shouldn’t apologize, but I kind of feel like I should.” He sipped his coffee. “I told her what happened, and I asked her what I should do, and she said you were good for me and I shouldn’t let you go.” He shrugged. “It was a douchebaggy thing to do, cheat on me and then say it was because I wasn’t there. But it’s something you can fix. Y’know? And I can’t just let you go.”
Alona tip-toed up to the table and whispered “You can go if you want” to Jensen. “If you want to take off early. Be with your boyfriend.” She smiled and mouthed He’s really cute, as if in encouragement.
As if Jensen needed encouragement.
“Thanks,” he said.
“Genevieve thinks so too.” She winked at Jared and headed back to the counter.
“Let’s go,” Jared said. “I know you hate yourself, but I don’t hate you. I miss you. Just don’t fuck up like that again.”
“I promise,” Jensen said. He stood up. Jared stood up. Jensen walked around the table, took Jared’s face in his hands, and kissed him. Someone applauded. He felt Jared grin under his lips.
“Let’s go home,” Jared murmured. “The dogs miss you too. I can’t stand Sadie’s sad puppyface any longer.”
“I’m closer.”
Jensen got his stuff from the staff room and clocked out, and they went back to his place, which was home as long as Jared was with him.
words: 1922
total words: 53,418
